Over the years I’ve met with many dozens of patients who say that they’ve reached a point (and some are quite young when they say this, while others are past middle age) where they just don’t like who they’ve become.  In one way or another, they feel as if they’ve hit a point of stagnation in work, love or another important aspect of life.  Sometimes they are struck with the sense that time is passing by and the high hopes they had for what might be accomplished, achieved, obtained or experienced in life—have not become realities.

In our culture, it seems we are urged toward “bigger and better,” toward “progress” and “having it all.”  A friend of my wife says she is quoting the Duchess of Windsor when she states, “A woman can never be too thin or too rich.”  To that, she adds, “or have too many silk blouses.”  But I’m not so sure.  Beyond the basics necessary for life, I’m not sure that we benefit from all that striving, all that wanting more.  In the final analysis, it probably comes down to a couple of questions that one can answer only for oneself—and the answers might change as life offers opportunities to address these things. (more…)

Okay, I’m breaking my own rule right now, but I’m thinking about this so it’s time to take action—that’s another rule that I try to live by—so here are my thoughts about vacations.

I’m spending a week away from my therapy practice, away from my life as an educator at The Evergreen State College, and I’m enjoying the company of friends and family in a setting that almost demands relaxation and reverie.  What occurred to me is that this is such a rare experience for most people—rare for me, too—and that without a plan and practice, slowing down is tough to do.  I know that I’ve written and talked about how our brains grow tired in much the same way that muscles wear down from overuse and strain.  We take on greater and greater responsibilities, almost without recognizing that we’ve added one more thing to our plate of obligations, and we tend to fulfill our commitments at work, and at home, but gradually as we take on these additional tasks, concerns and cares, the ability to manage competing demands is diminished.   (more…)

The masterful marriage researcher and therapist, John Gottman, has developed the term “softened start-up” for those occasions when you hope to address a potential conflict issue with a loved one in a way that leads to a more productive interaction rather than arguments and fights. For married couples the most common conflict topics that come up again and again are money, sex, kids, and in-laws.  But in my practice, I often see couples who end up fighting over such seemingly silly and unimportant things (what movie to rent, which direction to take in getting somewhere, etc.).

While I know the skills of softened startup are helpful in romantic relationships, I think it is smart to learn these skills for use in countless situations that come up on a daily basis, particularly with family members, close friends, and at work. (more…)

From time to time, all of us have to deal with someone who seems determined to make life more difficult.  It might also be good to recognize that, on occasion, every single one of US are guilty of making life more difficult for someone else, too!    There are a few things to think about concerning this matter however, because the way we choose to deal with a particular difficult person may depend more on the situation than on the behavior that seems so frustrating.  Here’s what I mean:

Let’s imagine that you are driving on the freeway and find that another driver consistently passes you, then slows down, requiring you to pass—and then repeats that behavior, or cuts you off at the exit ramp, etc., or that the other driver honks and behaves discourteously to you.  Certainly, these are the behaviors of a difficult person, but what kind of response is appropriate?  I’ll let you think about that question while I outline another kind of situation involving a difficult person. (more…)

Effective self-control is one of the two most important keys to success in many areas of life (intelligence is the other), and failed self-control may lead to forms of behaving badly (criticism, defensiveness, etc.) or more serious forms of disturbance: anxiety, anger, and depression; verbal or physical violence; substance abuse and addiction; masochism; eating disorders; etc.

Strong research supports that self-regulation operates as a limited resource, (akin to strength or energy) and can be depleted when you are stressed by too many challenges and stressors in your day. This leaves a person vulnerable to impulsive and undercontrolled behaviors (too much eating, drinking, yelling, spending, etc.). Cognitive and physical rest, and enhancement of positive emotions can restore these resources, which are also used for decision-making and active responding. This week, think of the things you do (or create new ones) that lift your mood, slow down your thinking, and relax your body. Practice one technique in each of the following categories: (more…)

No matter what issue you’re struggling with—whether it relates to completing tasks around the home, or pulling yourself out of a period of negative emotions—the antidote will relate to action.  I have met with patients convinced that their depression was insurmountable, and I’ve talked with students who thought that the responsibilities of work, school and home were irreconcilable.  In both cases, they were surprised to find that life got more manageable as soon as they actually got started.

For some of us, getting started feels like a mental thing.  The “thinking stage” of making changes.  Planning.  Getting conceptually organized, and so forth.  These are valuable aspects of moving ahead, but not really quite what I mean in this case: actual movement is what’s needed.  There are a few strategies you might try for getting a bit of traction on forward momentum.  I present these as a few to “get you started.” (more…)

Okay, let’s face facts: we all procrastinate sometimes.  There are things we dread doing, things we like to “put on the back burner” because they’re no fun, and so on.  A lot of times, we even fool ourselves into thinking that the task we put off will be completed by magic somehow, requiring no thought—and certainly no effort—from us!  I’ve done it.  You’ve done it.  We all do from time to time.  Often we aren’t even aware that it is procrastination preventing that particular thing from being done.  So what’s going on?

Although someone has probably made a life’s work out of studying procrastination, I am inclined to put off extensive exploration into the topic… That was a joke.  Honestly though, we can understand procrastination quite easily by recognizing that it comes out of a few basic human attitudes and that it can be overcome with specific self-management techniques.  The trick to it all, like in a lot of things, is to increase awareness of when it is happening, and to substitute something new.  Understanding why anyone might procrastinate could be a beginning point: (more…)

Borrowing a line from Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Newman might bring a laugh, but of course most of us DO worry from time to time.  It’s only natural to have moments of concern and uncertainty when a child is late getting home, while awaiting the outcome of medical tests, or in times of great financial upheaval such as those we’ve seen in the past couple of years.

Is it natural to worry? Yes.  Comfortable? No.  Effective? Probably not.   When patients come into my practice describing worry that wrings the pleasure out of life, it does them no good for me to say, “Relax! Don’t worry!”  The cycle of thinking and emotion driving the experience we call “worry” is not so easily disassembled as all that, but with new skills the intensity of worry can be much reduced. (more…)

The great success is to go through life, as one who never gets used up.
– Albert Schweitzer

From what I hear in my office on a daily basis, it sounds like most people would like to eliminate stress completely.  Truth is, we can’t—and shouldn’t even if we could.

A little bit of stress is what keeps us standing upright (without muscle tension, we would collapse) and doing plenty of other very effective things, including the ability to swallow or refreshing our eyeballs with a blink, to name just two.  In fact, it is not physical exhaustion that leads people to my services, but the mental and emotional exhaustion of contemporary life’s daily hassles and major life stressors. It is this excess stress that is eventually physically harmful to us, as well as the cause behind many, if not most, relationship problems. The following are just a few simple ways we can take it down a notch. (more…)

Working with as many patients as I do, I hear themes among their concerns that the individuals involved may not be aware of.  For example, situations they are experiencing in their work lives may share similarities.  Another example of commonality would include experiences related to the recent economic downturn.

The most common theme (in fact, a constant throughout life) is that of CHANGE.  The range of change falls mainly in exchange… that was my attempt at levity for the moment, but in a sense it’s also accurate.  Whether the “exchange” in question is that of trading household tasks because a family member has become disabled, or the currency “exchange” that has been lost through job layoff, it seems like we are all quite sensitive to the occasional re-arrangements of our life circumstances. For the most part we want stability and continuity in our lives, with some variety. Therefore, it only makes sense that our strongest reactions to these changes would come when the re-arrangements are outside our individual control. (more…)