From time to time, all of us have to deal with someone who seems determined to make life more difficult.  It might also be good to recognize that, on occasion, every single one of US are guilty of making life more difficult for someone else, too!    There are a few things to think about concerning this matter however, because the way we choose to deal with a particular difficult person may depend more on the situation than on the behavior that seems so frustrating.  Here’s what I mean:

Let’s imagine that you are driving on the freeway and find that another driver consistently passes you, then slows down, requiring you to pass—and then repeats that behavior, or cuts you off at the exit ramp, etc., or that the other driver honks and behaves discourteously to you.  Certainly, these are the behaviors of a difficult person, but what kind of response is appropriate?  I’ll let you think about that question while I outline another kind of situation involving a difficult person.

Suppose you are eating in a restaurant with your co-workers and a diner at the next table is talking loudly on a cell phone, using foul language and perhaps pounding a fist on the table.  What then?

In another example, picture that a close friend calls to say that she has just gotten engaged and she is excited to introduce her fiancé at a party you’re giving in your home.  Of course you agree, but when the fiancé arrives, he behaves like a jerk, treating your friend like a slave, pouring drinks in your houseplants and leaving burning cigarettes atop your baby grand piano!

Difficult people turn up in all kinds of situations in our life, and dealing with them will depend on a couple of important issues:  What kind of relationship do you already have with this person (or important others related to that person)?  What kind of relationship do you want to have in the future—whether that “future” is one minute from now, one year or decades from now?  Also, you must ask yourself about the level of influence you have in the particular situation where you encounter the difficult person.  Another example might illustrate this matter of influence:

If you are a customer, returning a defective product to a store where you’ve held an account over many years, and have been a frequent shopper, you have pretty significant influence over a difficult person at the Customer Service counter.  You might put up with poor treatment for a short time, but if your own reasonable attitude is not enough to make things go well, you might ask to speak to the manager.  You might even lodge a written complaint—you have clout in this situation.

As we look at the previous situations where a driver was belligerent, or behaving in a dangerous way toward you in traffic, do you have influence over that individual?  No.  Do you have a relationship with that driver?  No.  Do you anticipate, and hope for, a relationship with that driver in the future?  No.  The best course, then, is to withdraw and simply recognize that this difficult person is having a bad day, and YOU don’t want to get involved in ways that might result in YOU having a bad day as well—which might be the case if you were to indicate your thoughts about the way he is driving!  To return rude and obnoxious behavior by honking or gesturing is almost certain to increase the hostility of an already hostile driver.  He may follow you to an exit ramp, or run you off the road–who knows?  For your own safety, and the safety of others on the highway, this kind of situation definitely calls for putting distance between you and the other person.

When looking at the example of a rude and difficult person at the next table in a restaurant, you’re thinking of how to influence the situation while not creating a closer relationship with the discourteous diner.  Going over to ask him to be quiet is actually a move toward forming a relationship of sorts, and that might be useful or it could be a disaster!  An interesting principle to keep in mind is this one: Any time you approach a difficult person with a request for change, you are either establishing a relationship (even if momentarily) or pulling an established relationship closer to yourself.  Consider whether you might first convey your awareness with a couple of discreet glances toward the loud table—he might not realize that his conversation has become loud and interruptive of others.  But if that doesn’t solve the problem, you might ask the wait staff to move your party to an area further away.  Glancing over to his table may be a subtle “approach” move, while asking for another table is “distancing.”  Either might be useful in this kind of difficult person situation. The critical question is, “Do I want a closer relationship with this person?” Because if you use “approach,” you WILL have a closer relationship and also an unpredictable one.

And now, to the really tough situations, with people you care about who become difficult at times, or bring other difficult people into your life!  What about your friend who brings her obnoxious and difficult fiancé to a party in your home?  As you consider how to manage the situation, you’ll be thinking of the principle that “approach” means a closer relationship (closer in terms of proximity, not necessarily closer in terms of emotional attachment).  You’ll also be thinking about the level of influence you may have with this unpleasant fellow, as well as the level of influence you might have with your friend to whom he has gotten engaged.  Your friend may be blindly in love with this guy—are you taking a risk to pull her aside to ask, “What were you thinking!!!”?  Of course that’s a risk.   Would you be taking a greater risk to ask Fiancé Guy “Bob” to give you a hand with the refreshments in the kitchen, where you can begin a conversation?  That conversation might sound something like this: “Bob, we have been really eager to meet you.  Patty has been such my good friend over the years and we look forward to continuing that friendship with both of you after the wedding.  It might not be true for you, but I know I’d be a little nervous to join a whole bunch of close friends who had known each other for a long time.”  In other words, a quiet and sincere conversation that implies a future relationship might increase the influence you have with Fiancé Guy, and also offers empathy in the event that Bob has been behaving badly out of nervousness.

If Bob comes back with comments like, “Heck no!  I’m not nervous!  I’m just embarrassed that Patty’s been eating like a pig from the buffet table, and that you didn’t think to put out any really good booze for a decent party!”  You might decide that this is one difficult person who will simply not be invited again, and that the “approach” process is futile.  On the other hand, Bob might reply, “Yeah, I’ve been hearing about all these people for weeks now, and I know Patty is close to everybody here.  She has told me what great times you all have together and, well, I keep wondering if she’ll continue to hang out with you all after we’re married.”  There’s an opening for something different to happen—maybe even a discreet and helpful nudge in the direction of how to join in with this group of friends.

Whether the difficult person is your mother-in-law or a motorist with whom you share the road, it will be helpful for you to consider whether a situation calls for “approach” or “distancing,” and to look at how much (or how little) influence you have over both the other person, and the environment of the situation.  Sometimes “distancing” is really the only good option, and other times (particularly with friends and family members) it is helpful to learn tips for starting a “softened approach.”  See the accompanying blog.