The masterful marriage researcher and therapist, John Gottman, has developed the term “softened start-up” for those occasions when you hope to address a potential conflict issue with a loved one in a way that leads to a more productive interaction rather than arguments and fights. For married couples the most common conflict topics that come up again and again are money, sex, kids, and in-laws.  But in my practice, I often see couples who end up fighting over such seemingly silly and unimportant things (what movie to rent, which direction to take in getting somewhere, etc.).

While I know the skills of softened startup are helpful in romantic relationships, I think it is smart to learn these skills for use in countless situations that come up on a daily basis, particularly with family members, close friends, and at work.

To give an idea of a situation where this softened approach might be used, you first have to imagine a topic or behavior that has come up for discussion between you and another person.  It should be a topic that usually causes conflict between the two of you, or has led to hurt feelings in the past.  With that topic—and that individual—in mind, think of the following starting points for these conversations:

“I know you always have to get in the last word, but I want you to shut up and listen for a change…”

“We never agree on this stuff because YOU try to get your own way—you’re unreasonable and ridiculous!”

“How can I be expected to go along with your pie-in-the-sky ideas—I can’t tell if you’re crazy or just stupid.”

By the way, those were ideas about how NOT to do it!  As you can see, opening conversations in this “hardened” way is a surefire method for starting an argument, or making an argument much bigger.  Here are some alternate ways for starting a discussion or bringing up a topic that might be more effective:

“When we’ve talked about ______ in the past, I know that we’ve gotten off track and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen now.  How about this: we’ll just set the timer for five minutes and you can tell me your ideas, then when the timer rings, we’ll set it for another five minutes and I’ll tell you my ideas.  That way we can each listen without interrupting and maybe we will hear each other better.  Would you be willing to try it, even though it sounds a little silly?”

“We both have some strong feelings about this topic, and I know that my ideas are not the only way to think about it.  I really want to hear what you’re thinking, and to understand your reasons for thinking as you do.  I haven’t always been very respectful of your thoughts in the past, but I hope you’ll give me the chance to understand you more fully.”

“I’d like to try something new so that we can talk about this difficult topic without getting into a fight.  I know we have an equal responsibility to listen and bring ideas to the table, but—for myself—I find it hard to listen without interrupting.  I’d like to find a way to get the information I need about this, without interrupting every time I feel like the conversation is getting out of control.  Will you help me with this?”

As you can see, it takes a little longer to develop a softened approach to a conflict topic.  Some people might think these softened approaches sound “canned” or corny, but if you’ve been over the same conflict topics with a friend or mate time and time again, you know how frustrating it can be.  And you probably know that the conflict can go “underground” with resentment being carried over into other areas or topics of importance to the relationship.

Too often, I’ve seen couples that have conflict around how they spend or save their money.  Each of them usually has a valid perspective on how money should be allocated, but because they think differently, they cannot seem to hear one another or find ways to negotiate.  In general what happens is that, rather than move their individual positions just a little bit closer to what the other person wants, they each take a few steps back into a more entrenched position that is further from the middle ground!  As the conflict conversations get more heated (or become topics to avoid altogether) each spouse may feel more justified in “holding back a little” on other topics that come up.  For example, if Bob and Patty have an ongoing battle about how to save or spend their money, it might be more likely that each will hold more steadfastly to their views on holiday traditions.  Bob will cling to traditions that his family established in his early years, and Patty will say that HER family traditions are to be observed in their home.  And as time goes by, child-rearing practices, opportunities for sex, and ideas about vacations may get added to the number of topics that no longer can be discussed without conflict, leaving Bob and Patty in real relationship trouble.

In addition to the idea of softened approaches, I also like the process established by Dispute Resolution Centers around the state, where “good faith” is one of the attitudes requested for people trying to mediate a conflict between them.  Good faith is defined as “not holding a fixed attitude, but rather being open to hear what the other person is saying they want.”  Good faith in relationships means to see your partner’s intentions as good, and their motives as honorable.  Although this sounds obvious, it is frequently the case that couples really struggle with perceiving each other’s good intentions during conflict.

Soft approach techniques are not rocket science, but neither are they easy to deliver when emotion starts to run high.  This is why I attempt to teach all couples how important it is to be able to recognize the escalation of conflict in their conversations.  Once recognized, they can take enough time out from the discussion to allow each to cool down.  Many times I hear from a husband that he has tried to take a time out—head for the garage or the basement in order to reduce his frustration—so that a conversation won’t get out of hand.  They say, “but she’ll come right after me!  She follows me saying, ‘we haven’t finished this yet—nothing’s been decided!'”

What most people don’t know is that our bodies are only meant to focus on one, maybe two, things at a time.  When conflict begins, the body gets ready for combat—you hear it described as fight or flight, but there’s a third mechanism too: freeze.  Each of us has the ability to do any of these emergency response behaviors, but we generally have one that we rely on more than others.  Some of us stand and fight to the end, others flee the situation, and others simply freeze in place.  No matter which of these comes naturally to you in a conflict circumstance, it’s important to know that it is impossible for human beings to experience a fight, flight or freeze response while simultaneously continuing to listen and think clearly.

This is one of the reasons that military and police organizations spend so much time training for emergency situations: they know that when crisis arises, humans are not able to think their way through the situation—they need to rely on what they have practiced.  Whether it is the emergency of combat or the emotional combat of a conflict conversation in marriage, how you practice will influence how well you are able to perform.

In my own home we have a couple of strategies that we use to call for a time out.  Sometimes one of us will simply say, “I need to slow down for a few minutes” or “can we take this up when we’re not so tired?”  Occasionally we even fall back on a code word we devised before we were married, to slow everything down and allow rational thought to resume.  Yet even in a marriage where both of us are trained—even skilled—in communication strategies and we’re both therapists with years of practice behind us, we screw up all the time!  That doesn’t mean that we end up throwing crockery at one another, but we sometimes don’t recognize a hot button topic until emotions are already muddling the communication.  It really doesn’t take much emotion to tamper with clear thinking and careful listening.  To paraphrase the great British author E.M. Forster: “The wrong tone or a misplaced word, and the whole conversation went awry.”

The only antidotes for dealing with those wrong tones and misplaced words in close relationships are: good intentions, frequent practice, and the application of a few demonstrably effective techniques like softening your approach, and knowing how to take time outs to cool down.

Because many of our challenges in life are initiated by a potential bruise to our ego, and then the defensiveness that follows, I would encourage you to read the blog titled “It’s All About Me!” from March 2009.