The masterful marriage researcher and therapist, John Gottman, has developed the term “softened start-up” for those occasions when you hope to address a potential conflict issue with a loved one in a way that leads to a more productive interaction rather than arguments and fights. For married couples the most common conflict topics that come up again and again are money, sex, kids, and in-laws.  But in my practice, I often see couples who end up fighting over such seemingly silly and unimportant things (what movie to rent, which direction to take in getting somewhere, etc.).

While I know the skills of softened startup are helpful in romantic relationships, I think it is smart to learn these skills for use in countless situations that come up on a daily basis, particularly with family members, close friends, and at work. (more…)

From time to time, all of us have to deal with someone who seems determined to make life more difficult.  It might also be good to recognize that, on occasion, every single one of US are guilty of making life more difficult for someone else, too!    There are a few things to think about concerning this matter however, because the way we choose to deal with a particular difficult person may depend more on the situation than on the behavior that seems so frustrating.  Here’s what I mean:

Let’s imagine that you are driving on the freeway and find that another driver consistently passes you, then slows down, requiring you to pass—and then repeats that behavior, or cuts you off at the exit ramp, etc., or that the other driver honks and behaves discourteously to you.  Certainly, these are the behaviors of a difficult person, but what kind of response is appropriate?  I’ll let you think about that question while I outline another kind of situation involving a difficult person. (more…)