GET OVER YOUR “SELF”! No, really, I mean it. I would say that more than anything I cover in therapy sessions, as well as in my own personal life, is the inevitability of our egos (or our sense of self) to cause most of our problems. When we are hurt, or hurt others, it is often not physical damage that is done, but a psychological bruise.

Did you know that humans process about 150 to 300 (some say up to1000) words a minute in self-talk? This would be great if all that inner conversation was helpful, but studies show that for all humans (whether you realize it or not) most of it is negative and related to regret, worry, or frustration. Another problem is that we spend so much time creating a sense of self, that we get full of ourselves. And then, when that “self” experiences something as a threat (sometimes based on very minor, trivial matters), we get defensive and behave badly. Relationships are often ruined over even minor slights in this way.     These experiences lead us to distance from others, or criticize, berate others, give them the silent treatment, or even resort to overt violence.

We spend most of our lives cultivating and investing in our ego/self/identity. I have been creating, shaping, and modifying, “Mark Hurst” for 49 years. Certain aspects of our personalities (traits such as being warm, friendly, stubborn, or pessimistic) are relatively enduring, though they are not true of each of us in every situation. Because we spend so much of our time, energy, and resources on our “selves,” we have a tendency to become protective when we perceive a potential threat to it, or our egos get bruised. In fact, much of the harm that occurs between people is when one or the other, or both, have perceived some damage to our “self” perpetrated by … “THEM.”  Now, if you’re thinking, “Wait a minute!  He’s calling me selfish!  That’s just not true!”  You’ve just proved my point.  Like most everyone, we think of ourselves (you think of yourself, and I think of myself) as being “a good person” or “nice” and not particularly “selfish,” and that’s the identity that’s being challenged when I say that we get defensive about anything that implies a negative about that self.  So in order to understand this, it’s important to relax and take a deep breath, in order not to put up a “SELF defense”!

This may sound like a trivial matter, but I see it happen every day in marriages, classrooms, and in relation to world events. It is my greatest curse as well, and quite inevitable for all of us. The only way we can keep this under better control is to:

1) learn skills to quiet or modify the general chatter in our heads, especially if it is negative, and personal;

2) constantly challenge the perception that the world revolves around “me”;

3) develop the ability to listen while putting mental judgments on hold; and,

4) invest in skills that lead to thinking and behaving in less ego-defensive ways.

I will cover some of these skills (cognitive-behavioral skills, emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and resilience) in coming blogs.