GET OVER YOUR “SELF”! No, really, I mean it. I would say that more than anything I cover in therapy sessions, as well as in my own personal life, is the inevitability of our egos (or our sense of self) to cause most of our problems. When we are hurt, or hurt others, it is often not physical damage that is done, but a psychological bruise.

Did you know that humans process about 150 to 300 (some say up to1000) words a minute in self-talk? This would be great if all that inner conversation was helpful, but studies show that for all humans (whether you realize it or not) most of it is negative and related to regret, worry, or frustration. Another problem is that we spend so much time creating a sense of self, that we get full of ourselves. And then, when that “self” experiences something as a threat (sometimes based on very minor, trivial matters), we get defensive and behave badly. Relationships are often ruined over even minor slights in this way.     These experiences lead us to distance from others, or criticize, berate others, give them the silent treatment, or even resort to overt violence. (more…)

You don’t have to be born lucky to enjoy a great experience in life.  Life satisfaction comes from having very specific attitudes and engaging in very specific activities. These aren’t a mystery either.  They can be learned AND they must be practiced to be optimally effective in producing good results.

Can you believe over 4,000 books were written on “happiness,” last year alone? I would argue from a science perspective that most of them are pop psychology and not worth your time (and money), but there are those dedicating their careers to a rigorous examination of what leads people to be satisfied with their lives.  In January I traveled to Claremont Graduate University in Los Angeles to hear a number of the contemporary researchers talk about the things we can do to improve our experience of life. And, having used this material for 10 years in my practice, in an 80 hour experiential program I teach at Evergreen, and yes, even creating and implementing programs in prisons, the research is clear that doing specific things leads to greater life satisfaction. (more…)