Effective self-control is one of the two most important keys to success in many areas of life (intelligence is the other), and failed self-control may lead to forms of behaving badly (criticism, defensiveness, etc.) or more serious forms of disturbance: anxiety, anger, and depression; verbal or physical violence; substance abuse and addiction; masochism; eating disorders; etc.

Strong research supports that self-regulation operates as a limited resource, (akin to strength or energy) and can be depleted when you are stressed by too many challenges and stressors in your day. This leaves a person vulnerable to impulsive and undercontrolled behaviors (too much eating, drinking, yelling, spending, etc.). Cognitive and physical rest, and enhancement of positive emotions can restore these resources, which are also used for decision-making and active responding. This week, think of the things you do (or create new ones) that lift your mood, slow down your thinking, and relax your body. Practice one technique in each of the following categories: (more…)

No matter what issue you’re struggling with—whether it relates to completing tasks around the home, or pulling yourself out of a period of negative emotions—the antidote will relate to action.  I have met with patients convinced that their depression was insurmountable, and I’ve talked with students who thought that the responsibilities of work, school and home were irreconcilable.  In both cases, they were surprised to find that life got more manageable as soon as they actually got started.

For some of us, getting started feels like a mental thing.  The “thinking stage” of making changes.  Planning.  Getting conceptually organized, and so forth.  These are valuable aspects of moving ahead, but not really quite what I mean in this case: actual movement is what’s needed.  There are a few strategies you might try for getting a bit of traction on forward momentum.  I present these as a few to “get you started.” (more…)

Borrowing a line from Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Newman might bring a laugh, but of course most of us DO worry from time to time.  It’s only natural to have moments of concern and uncertainty when a child is late getting home, while awaiting the outcome of medical tests, or in times of great financial upheaval such as those we’ve seen in the past couple of years.

Is it natural to worry? Yes.  Comfortable? No.  Effective? Probably not.   When patients come into my practice describing worry that wrings the pleasure out of life, it does them no good for me to say, “Relax! Don’t worry!”  The cycle of thinking and emotion driving the experience we call “worry” is not so easily disassembled as all that, but with new skills the intensity of worry can be much reduced. (more…)

Working with as many patients as I do, I hear themes among their concerns that the individuals involved may not be aware of.  For example, situations they are experiencing in their work lives may share similarities.  Another example of commonality would include experiences related to the recent economic downturn.

The most common theme (in fact, a constant throughout life) is that of CHANGE.  The range of change falls mainly in exchange… that was my attempt at levity for the moment, but in a sense it’s also accurate.  Whether the “exchange” in question is that of trading household tasks because a family member has become disabled, or the currency “exchange” that has been lost through job layoff, it seems like we are all quite sensitive to the occasional re-arrangements of our life circumstances. For the most part we want stability and continuity in our lives, with some variety. Therefore, it only makes sense that our strongest reactions to these changes would come when the re-arrangements are outside our individual control. (more…)

If you’ve been coming back to this site for new material, I apologize for the delay in posting new blogs. In March, I wrote that I would be posting some of the activities that I have students complete in my 80 hour Positive Psychology program at Evergreen, as well as the offenders who participate in the prison programs I do.

In the first blog, I want to address perhaps the most powerful activity one could engage in to improve satisfaction with life, and that is to express gratitude. The second blog is focused on how one can enhance the “savoring” of life, as we are often in such a great hurry, we forget to enjoy our experience.

Activity One: Gratitude: The Mother of All Virtues

Gratitude is defined by researcher Robert Emmons as “a felt sense of wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life.” If you are focused on this moment, appreciating your life as it is today, and thinking about what made this so, you are in a state of being grateful. It is probably best to consider what gratitude is on your own terms, but if you “think” about your life from a grateful perspective, the benefits are numerous.

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I can recall when I lived in Austin, TX. I was 21 and life was pretty easy and simple, though I was most often broke. I used to lie on the bank of the San Marcos River waiting for my brother and his wife to join me so we could float down the river on inner tubes. If I close my eyes, I can bring this memory to mind in an instant, and smell and feel the sticky, thick summer air of the Texas Hill Country, and hear the laughter of others enjoying their day on the river and the constant clicking buzz of cicadas in the trees. When I call this image to mind, it makes me feel good, it reminds me of the positive things that have happened in my life, it makes me appreciate my brother and the life lessons I learned from him, and it reminds me that life can be simple if you decide to make it so. I recall the trips down the river, the rope swing at a swimming hole near the end of the journey, and the traditional Mexican family restaurant at journey’s end, with homemade tortillas and my first ever experience of homemade chili con queso. This is an example of savoring the past.
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You don’t have to be born lucky to enjoy a great experience in life.  Life satisfaction comes from having very specific attitudes and engaging in very specific activities. These aren’t a mystery either.  They can be learned AND they must be practiced to be optimally effective in producing good results.

Can you believe over 4,000 books were written on “happiness,” last year alone? I would argue from a science perspective that most of them are pop psychology and not worth your time (and money), but there are those dedicating their careers to a rigorous examination of what leads people to be satisfied with their lives.  In January I traveled to Claremont Graduate University in Los Angeles to hear a number of the contemporary researchers talk about the things we can do to improve our experience of life. And, having used this material for 10 years in my practice, in an 80 hour experiential program I teach at Evergreen, and yes, even creating and implementing programs in prisons, the research is clear that doing specific things leads to greater life satisfaction. (more…)

I see so many couples in my practice who are “crazy, busy,” as one recent book describes it. I have used the term “always on,” to describe the current state of the contemporary American. This often leads to couples telling me they have no time for the little things I suggest they do to work on their relationship. Research shows that spending more positive time together every week is critical for improving marriages. Because it is unlikely society will slow down, it is critical that we take responsibility and have the intention to change, and invest the attention and time in those we say we love.

One way to do this is to create “rituals of connection,” those little daily or weekly habitual things we can do to invest in each other. I use the term “invest” specifically, because we often take for granted (more…)

In my previous articles I covered the various types of professionals, and the questions to ask yourself prior to making that first call to a helping professional.

Here are the next steps in that process:

• Determine which of the questions you’ve asked yourself (in that list from my previous column) have the greatest meaning to you and make a quick list of what you’ve deemed most crucial to you.
• Look in the phone book under Counselors, then look at Therapists, then Social Workers, and then Psychologists.  You’re likely to find quite a number of these professionals, and the services they appear to offer will look pretty impressive.  I suggest that you pick three from each section and give each a call.  (I never said this would be quick!)
• You’re likely to reach an answering machine—don’t let that put you off—you need not give anything more than your first name, a phone number and possibly the best time to return your call at a given number.
• Pay attention to who calls you back, and how quickly.  Busy professionals may not be the first to call back, but they should reach you within the course of the day.
• Have paper and pencil ready when you’re talking to each professional who calls you back.  Get the questions about insurance out of the way first so you don’t waste time with someone who is not covered by your plan.

When professionals return your call

I advise that you compose a single sentence about (more…)

Many people ask me whether I think the psychologist or therapist they are currently seeing is on the right track.  Others will recall an experience they had in long-ago therapy sessions, and will ask about the effectiveness of methods practiced by that professional.  I don’t like to second-guess the good-intentions of my colleagues in the helping professions, so I evade these questions as politely as possible.

What I CAN do, and often attempt to do, is to assist people in finding a professional within their own community.  Below I’ve outlined what needs to happen if you think you might want to see someone in the helping professions. (more…)