One of the hallmarks of mental health and emotional well-being is to be able to recognize the need to change one’s mind, or do something differently than before. It’s not always easy or quick, especially when emergent circumstances dramatically change what’s required. But the ability to be flexible and to see change as necessary—or possible—is a skill that can be developed.

Homo Sapiens have lasted as long as we have on planet Earth, by paying attention to signals of danger in our surroundings. Early humans who were casual about saber-toothed tigers aren’t with us anymore. They didn’t survive long enough to become our ancestors. As modern humans, we’re cued to notice differences in our environments, because in our predecessors’ times, those were harbingers of danger. These days we don’t necessarily perceive everything that’s new as a hazard. For example, a new car is seen as exciting. A new romantic relationship is perceived for its tantalizing possibilities. With that said, your brain’s ability to notice what is different goes back to a time when a new experience meant potential danger. You may have noticed that it doesn’t take long before a new car looks dangerous only to your bank balance—then, poof! The car itself no longer registers as new. In other words, the sooner we move from seeing a change as a threat—to autonomy, safety, freedom or ego—the sooner we can begin to make sense of the changed circumstance.

The trouble comes, of course, when a situation arises that we don’t like, and worse yet, if it’s a situation we cannot control. We resist! We push back out of fear, or inconvenience, and we get angry. Sometimes a circumstance requires so much new thinking, and is so overwhelming, it seems that adapting to it means to “give in or give up”. I’ve seen that reaction when one member of a household declares they’ve become vegetarian. I have observed it when a spouse admits an affair. The newness of the situation need not be drastic or unusual: I’ve seen strong reactions when the youngest child started kindergarten. Whenever a situation seems impossible, outrageous, or just plain painful, we are likely to resist understanding it—for a while. Sometimes, for a very long while. The situation feels so wrong that it’s difficult for a new reality to penetrate that resistance. New information seems to do no good; seeing others accept the new circumstance doesn’t help; and, resistance may drive the belief that it’s possible to “turn things around”—just go back to the way things were before. I’ve seen that response to requests that we wear face coverings during the pandemic. In the extreme, this kind of resistance takes one outside the realm of reality. When change is inevitable, it is usually best to get on with it: let go of the battle, drop the struggle, find a point of calm in the storm and move along.

However, just for a moment, please consider things that we must never accommodate: Domestic violence, child abuse, racial injustice, workplace harassment, sexual exploitation—these should never be tolerated. We should never get comfortable with conditions that are inexcusable. But the mind has an uncanny irrational way of framing up personal bias, preference or an inconvenience as something that must be opposed!

For myself, it feels reasonable to cultivate as much calm as possible, so that changing times don’t toss me around too much emotionally. Calling the right mental images to mind is helpful in that regard: I occasionally picture a gymnast, or maybe an Olympic diver. I think of the agility and discipline of their craft. I imagine how each muscle has been toned and strengthened so that it responds perfectly to command. These athletes appear poised, graceful, ready. They have trained themselves to remain very still, or to make fluid movements toward a purposeful goal. They are in control of the space inside their heads. Their narrow focus is not on the outer world, but rather on the specific and precise movements—or stillness—required in the moment. When I picture myself to be similarly poised—mentally and emotionally at least—I feel able to capably move in the directions required by a new situation.

Whether the pandemic is an unbelievable hoax, or an existential threat, thinking about it definitely stimulates emotion. Anger for some, anxiety for others. Simply recognizing thoughts and emotions that come and go as we encounter the inconveniences and perturbations of this time can be a reminder of the need to become like trained athletes, mentally if not physically. Slowing down, taking a measured approach to information, recognizing the implications of any action—all can be useful. When I vigorously challenge my own gut reactions, I’m able to look beyond unfounded opinions and sound bites. I’m more likely to be mentally and emotionally agile, ready to assume a new role, take a new stance, to move quickly when necessary or to stand very still, depending on what the particular situation requires. A gymnast poised on the balance beam, a ballet dancer en pointe, a diver on the high board—every image conveys discipline and mental readiness.

Calling on images of gymnasts and divers, tightrope walkers and even yoga masters, I’m able to think more clearly about two seemingly opposite mental states—the narrow focus and the big picture. I’m able to see how important it is to maintain a wide perspective on the circumstance, while being specific and precise in what I do. Most important, it allows me to adjust to what is happening without causing greater distress or harm—to myself or to others.

An acquaintance of mine called recently. We talked awhile as usual about various things related to her work and mine, and then she laughingly blurted out her concern that she might be “going bonkers” due to the isolation of her working-from-home status. She realized that, within the past couple of months, she had begun talking through her work related issues—alone and aloud. She was quick to point out that she “always made sure the cat was in the room” so that she wasn’t really talking to herself!

We chatted about some of our observations during these months of altered social experience, and ended up laughing at similarities in our personal concessions to isolation. Admitting that I’ve overheard my wife chatting with herself—allowed my friend to realize it’s not so unusual. We are social beings. We rely on one another for feedback and a better understanding of the world. In a time when a lot of people are working from home, we aren’t getting that—at least we aren’t getting that in ways we’re accustomed to—and it gives us more than a little sense that we’re “going bonkers”. My wife tells me some of her best ideas come from listening as she talks to herself. I know she seems to do it a lot, if that tells anything!

Those of us working from home have made some adjustments to accomplish that challenge. But not everyone is fortunate enough to be working from home. Our health care workers, sanitation and city utility workers, the people keeping our grocery stores and take-out restaurants running—they are all out there on the front lines. These workers, too, have made adjustments (some enormously difficult) related to the Covid-19 pandemic. The mask, whether you love them or hate them, has become part of almost every interpersonal interaction. Social distance—again, whether you practice distancing or not—has changed life for us in the United States. In jobs performed outdoors, with few colleagues or public contact, maybe there is some question about whether any Covid precautions are necessary at all. But with all types of situations, there are considerations related to the spread of this virus. Even for people who say they are completely unconcerned, there are others who love them and are worried for their safety.

These are just facts. Some of us are not worried, others are. The relative degree of concern varies widely, too. Some of us are out in the public with serious risks of exposure and others have been ordered, or given the option, to work from home. With each circumstance and level of caution, individuals undergo the very normal discomforts of adjusting to something new.

Humans are incredibly adaptable. We live in temperature conditions that range from below zero to over 120 degrees. We adapt and thrive in situations as different as the density of Mumbai, India and the sparseness of the Australian Outback. However, these adaptations did not occur suddenly, without warning. Humans can adapt to just about any circumstance, but many adjustments take time.

I’m advising my patients who feel a little bonkers right now to consider the times they made changes to accommodate some kind of new circumstance. This means calling to mind our “skills of resilience” and examining the entire range of emotions and behaviors available. I remember when I moved away to attend college, and the first months of married life. These were fun and exciting times of adaptation, but they required deliberate effort nonetheless. Something that sounds as simple as a change in commuting time can necessitate enormous changes in the life of a family. The birth of a child occasions a lot of adjustment for new parents. A serious medical condition, changes due to aging—these are situations that we face, and require us to shift or adapt in some way. But we do it. We accept the reality, we adjust, we adapt, and we change.

Many individuals I’ve talked to over the past months have been able to find a benefit to their altered situation during the pandemic. Let me go back to that sentence to emphasize the key words—find a benefit. Before I stress that point further, let me say that these people aren’t in particularly advantageous positions. But unlike some of us, they have deliberately looked for ways to view the constraints of the pandemic in semi-temporary terms, or in terms of what they can look forward to when it ends. Others have viewed the pandemic as an opportunity to learn something, or to have more intimate time with members of their household. They have searched for the good in a tough situation. They reinforce my contention (and that of scientific researchers) that whatever circumstance comes along, our best chance of adjusting and becoming more comfortable, will be gained by finding a benefit, and reminding ourselves of that benefit. If I note only the challenges and negatives, the adjustment will ultimately feel much more uncomfortable. If I search for the potential benefits and positives of a new situation, and remind myself of them on a repeated basis, I experience a greater sense of control over my altered reality.

As much as I would like to host large gatherings in my home, or attend important public or private ceremonies with extended family and friends, I am reminding myself that even in this time of isolation from loved ones, I am able to connect and share significant moments with them in other ways. I’m grateful for the technology that allows face-to-face conversations over great distances, and the speed of written communication by text and email.

As a quick aside, I was reminded recently about one of my great grandfathers, and the courage of his decision to leave Norway on the perilous journey to North America. In the late 1870s, when he embarked from his home country, it was an almost undeniable certainty that he would never again see parents, siblings or familiar surroundings. The letters sent back and forth across the Atlantic took weeks to arrive, photographs were a rarity meant only for formal occasions, and the miracle of home telephones were many decades away. I have thought of his parents, and what must have been their experience, saying goodbye to their son, not quite out of his teens, as he boarded a ship for an unknowable future.

We are not facing adjustments of that kind today. We are not asked to never see family members again, or to ponder their fates for weeks or months between letters. Our inconveniences and challenges are different. They are surmountable if we use the skills we’ve developed so far, and remind ourselves of any benefits or nuances that can be deemed positives in this new circumstance. Benefit finding, and reminding, result in gratitude, and everything goes better with that.